Dear Vampy,

I feel like my vampire boyfriend doesn’t trust me. He won’t tell me what he does for a living, he won’t tell me about his past—all he wants to do is have sex and watch Kung Fu reruns. What should I do?

Lizzie P. in New York

Dear Lizzie,

Human, who do you think you are demanding answers from your vampire? You cannot begin to comprehend the enormity of what is likely his life’s purpose. Why should he risk everything and trust you, when a human’s allegiance is so easily bought with material goods?

Would the ants on the hill dare ask you your secret doing? Would termites eat into your walls and then demand explanations for your clandestine phone calls? You are like the parasite on the Vampire’s Earth. Now be still and enjoy what’s given to you.

^–^ Vampy

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