Cancer: Your emotional needs will come first this month, as Jupiter’s moons are in retrograde. Tell your vampire that you need a little extra care and consideration or lean more on your friends to get the emotional support that you crave. Leo: You are the king of the forest, and the queen of your vampire [...]
Dear Editor, I really appreciated your article last month as well as the tips for Dealing with the Strong, Silent Vamp. I’ve been dating my vampire boyfriend for six months and he is very…still. He doesn’t show much emotion ever and hardly even speaks to me about personal matters. Now I understand that by simply [...]
Dear Vampy, I feel like my vampire boyfriend doesn’t trust me. He won’t tell me what he does for a living, he won’t tell me about his past—all he wants to do is have sex and watch Kung Fu reruns. What should I do? Lizzie P. in New York Dear Lizzie, Human, who do you [...]
Last month, we set out at midnight to interview five vampire hotties about what they think the most sexy outfits are for human women to wear. Here’s what they said: Demetrius from Arizona Nothing. Human skin is the most attractive outfit of them all. Zanzibar from New Hampshire My tastes on the human’s dressing, it [...]
Written by: Dann Alexander The night has arrived. You scored yourself a date with a vampire—and not just any vampire, but THE vampire. He is the perfect object for your affections and the type who has acted as the motivation behind all of your masturbatory fantasies. Your clothes are picked out, hair “vamped” up to [...]
Each month, we try to feature a fun article that mortal women can identify with. This one is about how your expensive jeans feel when you gain weight and don’t treat them properly. Dear Owner, As I write this letter, the strain of your enormous, undulating belly threatens to rip out my exhausted seams. For [...]
Dear Editor, The March article by Remis Strogan about letting the vampires make the first move was dead-on. After all, vampires are very traditional and they hate the modern woman’s aggressive dating tactics. Thank you for printing such an informative article. A. Happy Reader Please send all letters to the editor to vamplure@yahoo.com.
Gemini: Your dual nature will come in handy this month as you handle the battling attentions of two different men–one fanged and one not. Pay attention to your purse on the 15th, as the moon will be in retrograde and that could result in too much money spent on makeup. Cancer: Your emotional outlook will [...]
Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire Vampire? Tuesdays at 11PM: Ten gorgeous young women compete to win the magically-modified heart, hand and prenuptial agreement of a millionaire, unmarried vampire. The women will do their best to woo him using their feminine wiles, bodies, and traditional values of acquiescence and servitude. How I Met Your Step-Vampire. [...]
Dear Vampy, I’ve been thinking about getting fang implants to impress my vampire boyfriend. But, is that considered rude or unattractive for a human to do? Toothy P. in Tulsa Dear Toothy, It’s a good thing you got word to me before you made this drastic change and committed this fangy faux-pas. Let me [...]
