You can easily possess his body, but who possesses his soul?

Vampires are possessive with their property, their lovers (which are not more than a step above property), their information and their personal history. It is not often a human woman is lucky enough to find one who shares memories of his youth during post-coital lounging like a human lover might. In order to learn how to deal with this, try these attitude adjustments.

• Don’t expect to possess him, although he possesses you. A vampire will easily allow you to possess his body, but that’s like possessing just the outer shell of a complex toy. You need to adjust your expectations so that this is good enough. And with bodies like vamps have…isn’t it?
• You are not likely to get much insight into his personal life or history, so stop pushing for it. Vampires don’t respond well to pressure. Using your feminine wiles to attempt to glamor him into sharing his feelings with you is like trying to bribe a traffic cop with empty pixie stick papers. Don’t even bother–why harsh his vibe with ineffective persuasion?
• Think of jealousy as foreplay. Whether your vampire’s interests in your are waning or not, you are considered his possession until he let’s you go. No blood-sucking bastard will permit another male of any species to lay eyes or hands on you while you are his. Don’t play liberated woman when this happens, just see it as a positive indication that he is still interested in keeping you around and allow it to get you in the mood when he shows his fang-toothed possessiveness in public.
• Relax. After a lifetime of dating humans, the best way for you to adjust to the possessiveness of your vampire lover is to relax, revel in it, accept it and take it for the compliment that it is.

Alpha is as alpha does, and cold-blooded alphas don’t take threats to their territory lightly. Your closed-mouth cutie might not be very forthcoming about his life, past and feelings but he will part his pearly fanged whites if anything threatens your relationship before he’s ready to move on. It’s a heady experience when it happens and not one you should take for granted while you have it.

Hot...and so forbidden...

For those of you dating a 20′s era vamp, you’ll find that nothing makes your fanged freak’s blood run hotter than a short skirt, bobbed hair, dropped waist and beaded fringe-like layers. But with all the stereotypes, many modern women fail to remember the true sex appeal of the 20′s flapper.

‘Ideal’ body shapes have changed since then and you might think that makes it impossible for you to indulge your vamp by wearing his favorite sexy outfits, but that is simply untrue. Use your hourglass figure to your advantage. Forgo the dropped waist and use modern textiles to give you a tight fit while embracing the beads and short hairstyles so well-used in

Modern make up and pseudo bob bring flapper sexy to a new level.

the early 1900s.

If you don’t want to commit to a sexy bob, you can simply put your hair up and leave some short, curly tendrils hanging.

For maximum authenticity, be sure to part your hair in the middle and, if that’s not the most flattering look for your face, use a hat to give yourself a little extra lift.

Finally, be sure to use modern make up styles to your advantage. Mix the currently popular smokey eye look with the red lips of the Jazz Age and you can create a sensuous, smoldering look that stays on the right side of the harlot line.

Leo: You are the king of the forest, and the queen of your vampire this month as your sex appeal reaches an all new high thanks to the reflection of Saturn’s debris and dust-filled rings.  Use this extra sex appeal to get more sex AND more presents from your fanged cutie.

Virgo: Your organizational skills will come in handy this month as you must corrdinate the comingling of your life with your vampire’s. Whether you are comingling homes, finances or hobbies, you and your pointy-toothed playmate are growing closer and taking your relationship to the next level.

Libra: All’s fair in love and vampire sex. While two blood-sucking boys might be fighting over you this month, you will find that your heart resides elsewhere. Don’t be afraid to confront your true emotions and move toward getting what you want, instead of just settling for what wants you.

Scorpio: It’s time to reign in your focus and concentrate on what’s important this month. Last month might have been for play time, but this month your vampire wants to see some serious changes in attitude from you or he’s gonna look for the door.

Sagittarius: It is important that you try to stay focused this month on your responsibilities. When in a new relationship with a vamp, it’s easy to get distracted from work, school and your friends—but remember, the vampire could move on to another human anytime. Don’t cut out everyone in your life in favor of spending time with him.

Capricorn: In July, you need to make a special effort to keep your feet on the ground and your head out of the clouds at work, at play and at home. Keep moving forward in your career and with your vampire soul mate and don’t let one thing crowd out the other.

Aquarius: This month puts you even more in touch with your creative side, and it may make your vampire a little jealous that your fingers are busy on something other than him. Be sure to take some time for the big, strong blood sucker too.

Pisces: Indecisive is no way to be when faced with the possibility of travelling with your vampire. Take the risk and put your insecurities aside. No matter what happens, it’ll be the trip of your lifetime.

Aries: Stubbornness won’t do you any favors in getting your vampire lover back into the crook of your neck, Aries. Drop the stubborn act, lose the horns, and apologize for what you obviously did to fall out of his favor. A little bit of sexy groveling can go a long way.

Taurus: You may want to be in charge of everything this month, but it’s your vampire who will be calling the shots. If you want your relationship to be harmonious, your best bet is to back down when the situation is important to him, though you can stand your ground on less vital issues.

Gemini: The two faces of Gemini aren’t fun anymore when they are pitted against each other, as they are while the Helvetica comet races through the solar system. During this vibe-sensitive month, don’t try dating two entities at once, either settle on the vampire or the human.

I really appreciated your article last month as well as the tips for Dealing with the Strong, Silent Vamp. I’ve been dating my vampire boyfriend for six months and he is very…still. He doesn’t show much emotion ever and hardly even speaks to me about personal matters.

Now I understand that by simply choosing to spend time with me, he has paid me the utmost compliment. I’m so grateful to you for making me understand this!

Gratefully Grovelling, PA

Please send all letters to the editor to vamplure@yahoo.com.

Sharing secrets with your vamp--yes or no?

Dear Vampy,

I feel like my vampire boyfriend doesn’t trust me. He won’t tell me what he does for a living, he won’t tell me about his past—all he wants to do is have sex and watch Kung Fu reruns. What should I do?

Lizzie P. in New York

Dear Lizzie,

Human, who do you think you are demanding answers from your vampire? You cannot begin to comprehend the enormity of what is likely his life’s purpose. Why should he risk everything and trust you, when a human’s allegiance is so easily bought with material goods?

Would the ants on the hill dare ask you your secret doing? Would termites eat into your walls and then demand explanations for your clandestine phone calls? You are like the parasite on the Vampire’s Earth. Now be still and enjoy what’s given to you.

^–^ Vampy

Have a question for Vampy? Send it to vamplure@yahoo.com and we’ll include it in a future column!

Who wouldn't want this sliding down thier chimney at night?

We were sorry to learn a couple of months ago that our favorite vampire model, Gregory Bullster, had passed away. He was our Cold-Blooded Hunk of the Month in December of 2010, and we thought it appropriate to give ourselves a little Christmas in July in his honor.

It was always Christmas when we had Gregory around. His gorgeous body was like a present wrapped in cotton, wool and silk, and his face was like the best sugar plum vision ever.

Mr. Bullster, you will be missed!

Find out what to wear to get your vampire's sex drive raring...

Last month, we set out at midnight to interview five vampire hotties about what they think the most sexy outfits are for human women to wear. Here’s what they said:

Demetrius from Arizona

Nothing. Human skin is the most attractive outfit of them all.

Zanzibar from New Hampshire

My tastes on the human’s dressing, it changes. Right now I am liking very much a flesh colored bikini with some of the furry boots.

Walker from Texas

Anything my girlfriend wears is hot, but my favorite is when she wears nothing and accessorizes it with those sexy goose bumps of anticipation.

Dustin from Florida

I like skirts that show off a lot of leg. No cheek action, just legs with the promise of cheek once we are alone. For me, sexy clothes are all about promises.

Roberto from Washington

A simple white tank top in a cold, cold room.

Alright ladies, now you’ve got the inside scoop on what makes a vampire’s blood run hot–use it to your advantage and their enjoyment.

The night has arrived. You scored yourself a date with a vampire—and not just any vampire, but THE vampire.  He is the perfect object for your affections and the type who has acted as the motivation behind all of your masturbatory fantasies.

Your clothes are picked out, hair “vamped” up to a level screaming insatiable sexuality, and while action is not necessarily guaranteed, it is promising.  Before you even think about grabbing that door to join the evening air for a night crawl, there is something you must do; check your pearly whites before you take on the pearly night.

Clean those pearly whites!

Vampire fangs are nothing short of remarkable masterpieces worthy of prominent display in a museum of dentistry.  With such a perfect pair of fangs readily available, your vampire date may be looking at how terrific a smile you have before he even thinks about uttering a word your way or having a glance at the leg showing below your short skirt.

Before taking the night hostage with your prospective vampire lover, spend time working on ensuring your teeth are blindingly shiny and looking new.  It’s easy—all you must do is rinse your oral cavity vigorously with a 10:1 ratio of peroxide and water, though some dentists have encouraged patients to rinse only with peroxide.* 

You may even consider taking the necessary steps of purchasing stronger toothpaste and keeping it on hand if you are trying to land that vampire mate with hopes of permanent romance.  And if that is the case, you are completely justified in phoning your dentist’s office and asking them which concoction will bring out the best in your smile.  After all, in order to land your vampire you’re willing to go to any length for the right appearance advice, correct?

*Caution – Diluting the solution with excessive water may dilute the whitening effect of the homemade dental enhancing potion.

New Glasgow, Nova Scotia born Dann Alexander is a freelance writer, editor, social media nerd and once in a while bass player.  He has written web content for clients on a variety of topics while still actively pursuing freelance opportunities in different realms. When away from writing, Dann spends time reading, spinning his record collection and laughing at comedies he has seen a million time.  Most often, he prefers to spend time in the company of his tremendously supportive wife Cheryl and their two dogs and three cats.

He makes showers sexy.

Name: Cyrus Maloof

Age: Who cares–he’s hot.

Fetish: Shower sex.

Where you might run into him: At the gym, in the sauna, at The Palms.

Where you can see him: Cyrus is a famous calendar model when he isn’t running his own business, creating custom, intimate shower heads.